Every child experiences separation anxiety differently. Some babies become upset as soon as a parent leaves the room, while others seem more comfortable with brief separations. For some children, feelings of anxiety around separation may continue through infancy, the toddler years, and even into preschool age. The intensity and duration of these feelings can vary widely and are often a normal part of development.
Easing Transitions
Helping a child work through separation anxiety often takes patience, preparation, and consistency. While we tend to focus on how difficult these moments are for children, they can be just as challenging for parents.
Many parents have experienced the heartbreak of a tearful goodbye—a child clinging to them at daycare, crying as they leave, or begging for “just one more hug.” In those moments, it’s easy to wonder whether you’re doing the right thing. The good news is that these feelings are common, and many children settle down much more quickly than parents expect once the transition is complete.
Although saying goodbye can be difficult, maintaining a calm, confident routine and giving your child time to adjust can help make separations easier for everyone involved.
Separation anxiety is a normal part of child development and often reflects the strong bond a child has with their parent or caregiver. Even so, it can be stressful and emotional for both children and parents.
The good news is that separation anxiety is usually temporary. Below, you’ll find helpful information about why it happens, along with practical tips to make daily separations and transitions a little easier. Be sure to watch the video from Dr. Michelle Wagner below to learn more about when separation anxiety typically improves and what parents can expect along the way.
Ages & Stages
- Infants: Separation anxiety often begins as babies develop a better understanding that people and objects still exist even when they can’t be seen. As infants start to realize that a parent can leave and be somewhere else, they may become upset during separations. While some babies begin showing signs of separation anxiety as early as 4 to 5 months of age, it most commonly becomes noticeable around 9 months. These feelings can be especially strong when a baby is tired, hungry, overstimulated, or not feeling well. During challenging days, keeping goodbyes brief, calm, and consistent can help make transitions easier.
- Toddlers: Some children show signs of separation anxiety during infancy, while others don’t experience it until the toddler years. It’s common for separation anxiety to become more noticeable around 15 to 18 months of age as children become increasingly aware of their surroundings and the people they depend on. At the same time, toddlers are developing a strong sense of independence. While they may be eager to explore the world on their own, they still rely heavily on the comfort and security of their parents. This combination can make separations especially challenging. Goodbyes may be accompanied by tears, protests, or intense emotions, particularly when a child is tired, hungry, sick, or otherwise out of their normal routine. Although these reactions can be difficult for parents, they are a common part of development and typically improve with time, consistency, and reassurance.
- Preschoolers: By the preschool years, most children have a better understanding of routines and can anticipate when a parent is leaving. They may also realize that expressing their feelings can influence a parent’s response. While their tears and protests are often genuine signs of distress, they may also be seeking reassurance or hoping to delay the separation. During this stage, consistency is especially important. Keeping goodbyes brief, following through with your plans, and returning when you say you will helps build trust and confidence over time. When children learn that separations are temporary and that their caregiver always comes back, they gradually become more comfortable with these transitions. Offering reassurance, maintaining predictable routines, and staying calm and confident during goodbyes can go a long way in helping preschoolers develop a sense of security.
How to Survive
- Create a simple goodbye routine. A predictable farewell can help children feel more secure during separations. Whether it’s a special handshake, a silly wave, a few goodbye kisses, or sending them off with a favorite comfort item, having a consistent ritual can make transitions easier. When it’s time to leave, keep your goodbye brief, positive, and confident. While it can be tempting to linger, extended goodbyes often make it harder for both parents and children to move on. A quick, loving farewell followed by a calm departure helps reinforce that separations are safe, routine, and temporary.
- Be consistent. Children thrive on predictability, especially during times of separation. Whenever possible, try to keep drop-off routines consistent by following a similar schedule and goodbye ritual each day. Knowing what to expect can help reduce anxiety and make transitions feel more manageable. Over time, these predictable routines help children build confidence in their ability to handle separations while also strengthening their trust that you will return. Consistency may not eliminate tears overnight, but it can provide the sense of security children need to adjust and grow.
- Give your full attention. When it’s time to say goodbye, offer your child your full attention through a warm, loving, and affectionate interaction. A calm, connected moment helps reassure them that they are safe and cared for. After that brief connection, say goodbye in a confident and consistent way, even if your child becomes upset or asks you to stay. While this can be difficult, a steady and reassuring departure helps children learn that separations are safe and that you will return as expected.
- Keep your promise. One of the most important ways to help children feel secure during separations is to follow through on what you say. When children learn that you leave as expected and return when you say you will, it builds trust, confidence, and independence over time. While it can be tempting to go back for an extra check-in—especially after a difficult goodbye—doing so can sometimes make the transition harder by restarting the separation process. Instead, maintaining consistency with your departure and return helps your child adjust more quickly and feel more secure in future separations, even when the initial moment is emotional.
- Be specific, in child-friendly terms. When talking with your child about when you will return, use language they can easily understand based on their daily routine and sense of time. Instead of abstract times, connect your return to familiar events, such as saying, “I’ll be back after nap time and before afternoon snack.” For longer separations, it can also help to translate time into concepts children understand, like “sleeps.” For example, instead of saying, “I’ll be home in 3 days,” you might say, “I’ll be home after 3 sleeps.” Using concrete, predictable references helps children feel more secure and better understand when to expect you back.
- Practice being apart. Giving children opportunities to experience short, positive separations can help them build confidence over time. This might include spending time with trusted family members, having playdates, or allowing a familiar caregiver to provide care for short periods, even just an hour on the weekend. Before starting daycare or preschool, it can also be helpful to practice the routine—visiting the setting together and rehearsing your goodbye ritual in advance. These small, low-pressure experiences give children a chance to adjust gradually, helping them feel more comfortable and capable when longer separations begin.
Remember
Separation anxiety is typically much less frequent on a day-to-day basis after the preschool years. If you’re noticing that your child continues to struggle significantly with being apart from you, it can be helpful to discuss this with your pediatrician.
Your child’s provider is experienced in supporting families through these concerns and can help determine whether what you’re seeing is within the range of typical development or if additional support may be helpful. Together, you can develop a plan to help both you and your child feel more confident and comfortable with separations.